Totally Discombobulated

Kind of an upbeat banjo-pickin’ tune and one of the first original songs I ever wrote. Revised a number of times since.

I’m a totally discombobulated
Schizo paranoid neurotic and
Kleptomania hypochondriac.
I steal from the rich and I give to myself
If the poor come around, I hit ’em in the mouth
And if you try following me
I’ll shoot you in the back.

Now, I might walk up to some redneck clown
And say, “Hey, sailor, new in town?”
Till him and his buddies come at me full tilt.
I say “Hurt me! Or I’ll break your necks!”
Well, I’m into all kinds of kinky sex
But I don’t feel any pleasure, only guilt.

     I felt the wind and water in my face—
     The wind was cold, the water wet.
     But still I never slowed my pace
     Till I had got where I must get.
     Because of these ventures in the days grown old,
     I’ll tell you what happened:
     I caught a cold.

I get sick in places too small or too high
Too big, too low, too wet, too dry
And bugs just make me crawl up on the shelf.
I turn myself in for various crimes,
I’ve had my appendix removed three times
And I sued for malpractice the third ’cause I did it myself.

Well, my habits may be different than yo’s:
In the middle of the night I shout, “Thar she blows!”
And I just might enjoy sticking myself with a tack.
But that’s because I’m a totally discombobulated
Schizo paranoid neurotic masochistic deviant and
Kleptomania hypochondriac.