Believe the Gypsy

Notes:
Written for a proposed show for Madame Zarkov, a comically mystic gypsy character at The Adventurers Club, Walt Disney World, Florida and set in 1937. (If rhymes seem off, try them with a bad Romanian accent.) The spoken sections are ad libs subject to the actor’s input; some possible alternates at the asterisked lines include:
* or: “Spring Break!”, “Oh, a sale at Sears Roebuck!”, “Oops, that’s my family reunion,” etc.
** or: “Get jiggy with it,” “You are the weakest link. Goodbye.”, “Wassup!?” etc.


VERSE 1
Let me read your palm,
Read the lines upon your palm.
I’ll predict, perhaps, the person you’ll become.

The reading of the palm is known as palmistry.
(Spoken) Hey, why is a fortuneteller like a cheerleader? They both use palm-palms!
When I look into your hand I can plainly see…
I see…I see…
(Spoken) What is that, grape jelly?

I see money, lots of money,
Pots of money, packs of money,
Sacks of money, stacks of money
And more money ev’ry day.
An extreme extravaganza,
Mucho moolah, big bonanza.
I am forecast it’s a fortune…
And it’s you that has to pay!
Hoy! Hoy! Hoy!

     CHORUS
     Believe the gypsy!
     She knows the future,
     She shows the future
     And is finding out your fate.
     You want to change it?
     Don’t waste a minute—
     You’ll soon be living in it
     And by then it is too late! Hoy!

VERSE 2
Let me read your head,
Read the bumps upon your head.
I will learn your life from lumps exhibited.

The reading of the head is called phrenology.
When I feel your bumpy head—
(Spoken) You don’t always look where you’re going, do you?
I can plainly see…
I see…I see…

I see crowds all crying “Bravo!”
Yes, it’s you that they all love, oh
You are fabulously famous,
You’re a celebrated star.
Ev’ry time that you’re appearing
I am hearing people cheering,
People peering—no, they’re leering…
You’re a stripper at a bar!
Hoy! Hoy! Hoy!

     CHORUS
     Believe the gypsy!
     She knows the future,
     She shows the future
     And is finding out your fate.
     You want to change it?
     Don’t waste a minute—
     You’ll soon be living in it
     And by then it is too late! Hoy!

VERSE 3
Let me read the cards,
Read the pictures on the cards.
Woe betide to him who cards he disregards.
The reading of the cards is known as…uh…cardiology.
(Spoken) Work with me people!
When I place for you the cards I can plainly see…
I see…I see…

(Spoken) Looks like a fellow with some cups, a spooky skeleton guy, and a couple of naked people. Congress is back in session!* But what does it mean for you?

There’s a woman you are meeting
And she start your heart a-beating.
When you look into her eyeballs
She’s the only one you see.
For this lover of the ages
You do poetry for pages.
It’s your hot, erotic romance…
And the woman, it is me!
Hoy! Hoy! Hoy!

     CHORUS
     Believe the gypsy!
     She knows the future,
     She shows the future
     And…

(Spoken) You know, I’m not going to have time to do all of you. I will have to attempt a group reading.

VERSE 4
Let me read the ball,
Gaze into the crystal ball.
I’ll divine the distant destiny for y’all.
(Spoken) I’m from Southern Romania.

The gazing into the crystal ball is known as crystal ball gazing.
When I gaze beyond the haze— Oh, this is just amazing!

(Spoken) You think that today, in 1937, we’ve done just about everything. Wrong, bubke! I am looking far into the future, to the beginning of the next century…

I see…I see…
I see something that’s called NASA shooting rockets into space,
I see something that’s called Starbucks and I see them every place,
I see something called Rogaine raising hair upon the head,
I see something called Viagra—and it seems to raise the dead!

I see radio with pictures and they call it television,
And the choice of what they show must be some idiot’s decision,
I hear music getting louder, getting crazy, getting hot,
And I hear some kind of language I don’t understand a lot.
(Spoken) OMG, LOL, WTF!**

I see people on vacation, some are laughing, some are swearing,
And you do not want to know the kind of clothing they are wearing.
They are visiting a place and putting mouse ears on their head,
And they go for relaxation…but they all come out half-dead.
Hoy! Hoy! Hoy!

     CHORUS
     Believe the gypsy!
     She knows the future,
     She shows the future
     And is finding out your fate.
     You want to change it?
     Don’t waste a minute—
     You’ll soon be living in it
     And by then…
     Whoops!
     It’s too late!
     Hoy!